Possibilities

The closer the 12th gets, the more El and I have been discussing plans for afterward. As much as I hate to think about the separation, and as much as I want to just not think about it, I think El summed it up best when she said, “It’s because I love you so much that I worry about the future.” Yes, it’s a difficult situation—she needs to live in England and I need to live in Alabama—but I refuse to see that as a sign of a sub-optimal solution. I’m sure something will trigger and a path will be blatantly obvious, and until that time comes, I’m trying to help her understand why there’s no reason to worry, but first, I need to help myself understand the same.

I’ve got this gut feeling that, in the end, everything will work out being the best for both of us. Be it together or apart, I know that our hearts both know what they’re doing, and are working their hardest behind the scenes to make sure we end up exactly where we need to be. As much as I’d love to, it’s not anything that I can simply explain. I guess the closest thing you can get to it is trust, but it’s so much more powerful than trust. It’s a trust not only in a person you love, but it’s a trust in yourself and a trust in the relationship. Then, take all those fleeting lines of trust, splaying out in every direction, and bunch them all up. Hold them together like a fistful of grass, and love them more vehemently than you’ve ever loved anything in your life. This is your future. This mess of possibilities is so remarkably unique and so unmistakably yours that you simply can’t help but to love it with all you are. That’s where the feeling starts.

This beautiful, messy clump you hold is everything about who you are and who you could be. It loves you. It loves you back just as much as you love it, and would never, ever do anything to hurt you. It wants what’s best for you, and it will do anything to make that happen. You may misunderstand it occasionally or question its choices, but deep down, you know that it’s there for you. If you are beginning to imagine what a feeling like this would be like, don’t stop. Keep believing in the possibility that, out of all these possibilities, they will disappear one by one. The clump will grow smaller and smaller, but the love you share will do nothing but grow. Growing and shrinking, the tangle of futures will pare down to a single, shining thread. You can’t be disappointed by it, because you both know that it is the best for you. This is your gut feeling.

It may not be fast, and it may not be painless, but with a little trust and a lot of love, it’s easy to see how everything will work out in the end. Relationships based on a true love are a living thing, and both parties will always do what is best for the other. Feed this impulse, allow this subconscious urge to grow, and just watch as the possibilities expand, then fade away.