Christmas 2007

Usually during this time, I’m in the highest of spirits. I have presents coming my way, I’m surrounded by friends and family, and I’ve selected just the right gift to make everyone in my family smile. It’s the holiday season, but I just can’t seem to give a damn.

Usually, the hardest stuff I drink this time of year is egg-nog, but then again, the hardest thing I usually have to do is pick out gifts for my mother. This year warranted a significant upgrade, as I’m not only stuck home feeling completely out of place, but I’m also stuck with a choice where the best possible outcome is me being completely lonely.

I could be with someone who cares about me, but I’d be losing a friend in the process; however, the love between me and said friend will never amount to anything more than crying forced kisses with, “I’m sorry, I can’t,” muttered in between. So I sit here on Christmas Eve, counting whatever kind of blessings I have (at least I’m not completely miserable), drinking myself to sleep with something much warmer than the milk my mother used to bring me when I “couldn’t wait for Santa,” muttering pitiful “whys” to myself.

I often feel passionately. Lately, I’ve not felt at all. Merry Christmas and happy holidays.