Mother
Ever since I’ve left home, I’ve always had Ashley there to care for me. She cheered me up when I was down, and she had the cutest ways of taking all my school-related stress, wadding it up, and cuddling it out of me. I, naturally, miss everything she did for me, and I’m finding out that the stress of school is much more than I ever realized. Earlier this week, defeated and depressed, I crawled into my clean, empty bed and cried; however, I didn’t want Ashley to curl up and hug my stress away. All I wanted was my mommy.
You know, it’s kind of funny thinking back on it with these starlets of tears growing in my eyes, but ever since I’ve had a girlfriend, I’ve never really wanted my mom just to be near me. Of course I love my mother, but the thought of her helping me out more than these girls I was sure I loved just never really struck me, and even once the love faded and the relationship cracked and fissured, I pushed my mother away, pleading her to let me be and quit trying to make me understand the world was not over. How could she not see that it was?
Of course, she was right (as mothers usually are), and things got better. I would meet new people, start new relationships, and fall in love all over again. I would smile and talk to my mom then, but I would never put her first. After all, she was only my mother, not my one true love. I’d laugh to think that her love for me could be anywhere near as unyielding and true as that of these young girls. Hah!
But it was just this week, after my “one true love” hollowed me out, after my friends proved to be nothing more than distractions barring me from the inevitable misery that my life has become, and after school ripped up my future, throwing it back in my face with a harlot’s laugh and a gut-twistingly wet thud that all I want is to hear my mother tell me that everything will be okay. The tears stained my pillow as I wept for the only person who really, truly, unrelentingly cared for me this whole time, and that I couldn’t be sitting at dinner with her, right now, laughing about something delightfully trivial.
Tonight, I pieced together a nauseating puzzle and stepped back to see Her on holiday—a holiday we shared together, young and in love—with the arms of another faceless mistake coiled around Her shoulders like snakes poised to strike at the last bits of innocence She keeps locked away behind those sad, caring eyes. My gut turned and again I listened as She put on that old, scratched record. Through the cracks and pops in the voice, I heard a beautiful young woman tell me she loved me just before she murdered me.
“You break my heart.” My voice was soft; was weak; was true.
As She pushed past me to the door, tears welled up in my eyes again. I missed my mother.
voh says:
Mothers are fucking awesome. If you've got a good one, she'll love you regardless of what you do. You've also got limited time with her (sad but true). Let her back into your life and find a way of keeping her in the loop. Weirdly enough, when I was around your age I had a similar situation, and I was pushing my mom away because I was sick of depending on her in any way. Then, two years ago I regretted doing that. Now our relationship is stronger than ever before.
I'm no longer ashamed to say I really really love my mum ^_^ She's a bloody sweetheart! Sure she's stubborn as a mule and self-righteous sometimes, but I guess I realize now that that's where I must've gotten those traits :)
Respect yo momma, Zach, respect her.
odd says:
I do find the capitalization of your ex a bit worrying, though.
Zachary Lewis says:
voh: It's not really that I would push her away, I jus didn't want to hear the "fish in the sea" speech again. I've always been close to my mom, but I had never really realized how much I cared for her until I needed her. Yeah, my mom is really awesome, and she has my respect. :)
odd: Why is that? To pseudo-quote Hemmingway, "She is my religion." I love her much the same way a Christian loves God (though, probably more truly), and they have no problem capitalizing His name. Does this person I would die for deserve any less?
voh says:
Capitalization does not make for respect, actions and words do. Capitalization merely says "pretentiousness" as far as I'm concerned. But I guess in situations like these it's allowable.
You may continue, your license to blog has not been revoked!
Zachary Lewis says:
Phew! For a second there, I was worried I was too pretentious for the internet! Of course, if this were LiveJournal, I'd already have over nine-thousand "wrist-cuts", or whatever they use for kudos over there. :D
Noah says:
You could add a checkbox with the comment form to give wrist-cut kudos along with a comment.
Zachary Lewis says:
Ooh, that is a good idea!
odd says:
Loving a person do death (or more than a Christian does his God, though I find that capitalization worrying as well, but for different reasons) is not necessarily in and of itself a bad thing.
More often than not, however, it is.
Loving your ex that much is, to me, very worrying indeed.
It shows that you still love her very much, too much for her to be your ex where you're concerned. I conclude it has not been a mutuall breakup; she broke up with you, correct?
You, however, are not moving on because you still love her so intensely. This, in my not so humble opinion, is Not A Good Thing. And that's what I find worrying.
Zachary Lewis says:
The thing is, she claims to still love, trust, and want friendship as much as when we were "together"; however, she says that she "just doesn't feel a spark anymore".
To me, this is a signal that, mayhap, I still have a chance to strike a spark, and I'll try to every chance I get.
That doesn't mean that I'm not actively looking for dates. As a matter of fact, I am! (Any ladies in the greater Cookeville area interested in a hot date, feel free to comment or e-mail me.)
I understand that I need to move on from a relationship that's "over", but I can't give up a chance to be with this person whom I feel for so truly. I've kinda' got one foot on each side, and I'm waiting to see which side has the greener grass.
that one chick says:
Oh, I hate that, I just HATE that! The part where they say they "love ", you, just "not that way" and they still want the benefits of your friendship (i.e. a shoulder to cry on when they screw up and do something stupid). But you seem like a compassionate, nurturing person, and this "ashley" person has no idea the treasure she has left.
p.s.
funny story(it will make you giggle a little, I hope)
after the man of my dreams defecated on my emotions, a few days later I put all the things he gave me in a box with a note attatched that basically said "Please take these things you gave me back, they're only a painful reminder to me". I talked to him the other day, and he was all whiney, and he said "It hurt ME when you did that! You didn't even let me explain, and I had a family crisis- my dogs escaped-*making various excuses for being a prick*" The next day, I was walking a friend home, and he was all clad in emo attire (black hoodie w/ hood up)and looking at me all depressed-like. I dunno, it cracked me up. Why? I saw by the look in his eyes that he KNEW the mistake he had made. But the past is the past, and life goes on. Bottom line- ashley has NO idea what she's losing ;)
Zachary Lewis says:
She's not losing anything. She knows exactly how I feel about her and who I am: She just doesn't feel the same way about me right now.
Like I said, I still love her and I'm not upset at her about choosing to spend time to make herself happy. It's a love that transcends the sexual—I honestly care about Ashley (no quotes needed), and I'm really proud of her for doing what she believes in. I'm just sad that it doesn't involve me.
I don't think it's right to compare her to someone who broke your heart. I'm miserable because I'm lonely, not because I'm not with her. She and I share a special bond that pulls me towards her, but I would be ecstatic if any charming young lady would spend a night in my arms.
I do think the emo-look is hilarious, though. Did he have a bunch of emo clothes, or did he just have one hoodie and some girl-pants with safety-pins in them stashed in the back of his closet, "in case of emergency"?
odd says:
You have one foot on either side on a chasm.
That chasm is widening; please take care to jump to the right side when there is still the opportunity.
Ashley may deserve your love, sure; surely, it would be treasonous to try dating other people when you know the love for them will never match the love you have for Ashley?
I hope that the non-sexual love you have does not keep you from being able to build up something even more awesomely loving with someone else.
I'm not just rambing randomly here; letting go of a first love is harder than it seems.
Even when there are other people to distract you.
Austin says:
Dude! Mom's are awesome, they're always there and they're always nice because you're their son/daughter. Without my mom I'd never know what to do in simple situations with girls. Be thankful, you have an awesome mother too!
mom says:
you don't have to post this, just want you to know how full my life and heart is of LOVE for you ALWAYS and FOREVER