From the Journal: 12 July 2007

The following is an actual entry in my off-line journal. I’ve been spending a lot of time and ink on tracking my thoughts and feelings via a more tangible medium, and I want to share this entry with you, my reader.

Last night, I had a huge emotional breakdown. As soon as I got home from work, I checked my messages—both from Ashley—and called Her back. We talked for the better part of an hour, and I came to a conclusion: I won’t be happy for a while.

I’m not sure what part hurt more; the one where She told me She didn’t want to see anyone right now, but had no problem jetting to Florida to make-out with a guy She’d met once before, or the one where She told me that She would never want to spend Her life with me—ever.

I told Her bluntly and frankly that I would do anything to be given one more chance—I would even beg and plead on my knees if She’d just look at me the way She’d used to. Of course, it was like arguing the Jesus out of a devout Baptist—I simply wasn’t getting anywhere.

Now, I’m a pretty smart guy, and I know all this obsessing over a girl is unhealthy. I’ve told myself I need to get away from this relationship countless times, but I can’t quit coming back. I’ve been rolling these thoughts around in my head for weeks, and I’m slowly realizing just how special She is to me. We’ve gotten together three times since I’ve known Her, and each time, I felt like She was the one. The last time we got together, She actually saved my life (meant completely literally). I have loved this girl, openly and secretly, for no less than six years, and desperately want Her to play the leading role In my life.

Of course, with such a strong love for Her, I want Her to be happy more than anything else, and although She wants to remain “friends” with me, She and I both know I can never just be Her friend. I will always see Her as the woman who taught me what it really means to be loved.