Art
There are twenty-six letters in the alphabet. As I tell myself to “just write what I feel,” I can’t help but stare at the keyboard and wonder which of the keys to press. It’s easy to let the feelings mull about in my head, but when I go to put them down, it’s just so hard to write “finally miserable.”
For the past weekend, I tried something new—being actively depressed. At the beginning of the summer, Ashley told me that she knew she couldn’t spend the rest of her life with me. I simply can’t meet her needs and haven’t been able to change for her. It’s as if we had been painting a beautiful painting together for the past three years, she steps back, tilts her head in earnest contemplation, frowns and rips the canvas into neat halves, throwing half away and handing me the other with a solemn: “You can do what you want with this.”
If that was all that happened, I’d be ecstatic. I could sit and feel the angst and passive aggression that loneliness agitates; however, we still live together. We drive to work together. We sleep over at each other’s houses. It’s the most deviously painful way to end a relationship, and I’m loving it.
I’m filled with a passionate sadness whenever I hear about another guy in her life, yet I’m filled with exhilaration at the prospect of finding another woman and falling head-over-heels in love, letting her impact my life as much as Ashley has; yet, I’m worried that instead of looking for love, I’ll just spend my nights alone, talking myself into a silent madness of should-haves and hopes.
I’ve been looking at buying a Moleskine and a nice fountain pen to journal with, because this whole computer business isn’t cutting it anymore. Perhaps the natural paper and history of those notebooks will draw out some hidden emotions or potential from my mind or heart.
tonya says:
you know being creatively insane is better zach. :0)
im sorry about you and ashley but i understand you far more then you shall ever know..
love hurts and then there is what you think is love but all it is truly is a mirror image ..
friendship you if can hold on to it.. then do it.. it will hurt for the longest but then it slowly fades away as you find out that being a friend is still good.. trying to find that perfect one.. there is no perfect one.. but in the process its trying to see what parts you wish to share with a someone each time you go out .. and can they accept you as you are... those are the rare ones that connect..
much hugs to you friend.. i am glad we got to meet...tonya
tonya says:
you know zach
i must say honestly im surprised more girls are not falling head over heels in love with you ;)
you have this charm this humor this style that is uniquely you.. and it brings out the cutest smile that just lights up your eyes..tis most lovely
and that my dear is why i say this..
carry on now..
Zachary Lewis says:
Thanks for your kind words. It sounds to me like you're crushin' on me. ^_^
I know what you mean about friendship. It isn't that I don't want to be friends with her, it's just that I can't stand being just friends. You know? I'll always want to sneak in a smooch or something like that.
tonya says:
DUDE i am all about crushing on cute guys. ;)
and not just you.. LOL..grinning so sorry to kill your dream ;)
but yeh i understand you totaly...
its the smooches or the slight touch that makes them stop and smile at you that makes you melt inside...
Noah says:
I've learned that there really is a significant difference to letting it all out through honest-to-goodness real pen and paper instead of a keyboard. I understand your frustration with these 26 plastic keys.
JediNite says:
Man, I know what you're going through. I went through that same thing once myself. It's hard... don't let anyone tell you different. But in time, you learn to understand it.
Things change all the time. Perhaps she'll change... perhaps you'll change... perhaps someone else entirely will change and enter your life.
May you have all the luck and support you need in this rough time...
-Jedi