Hello

I’ve been away for quite some time, I know. I am so glad to be back. I probably won’t be here for long, and that realization brings such sadness, but with that sadness is hope, because I am here. I have been to the most amazing places while I was away, both lush and desolate. Stay with me as I live them, one last time.

Three years—it really has been that long since I have been myself. If you were anyone else, I would just tell you that I’ve “been good,” but I know you would see through my half-hearted smile—more of a wince, really—and wonder why I couldn’t just talk. My gag has been removed, my captor away, and I can finally tell you: “I love.”

Strange things happen when you can’t form sounds. You begin to forget they exist. Then, you forget other things, like smells, like flavors, like feelings. The way things slip away was truly frightening, and I was all but certain that I was gone; however, these late nights tend to pick and pull at the smallest lacerations, at the tiniest imperfections, until the outer façade is removed entirely. The cool air felt great, and the hundred steps seemed like perfection.

It is interesting how the simplest actions can do the most for someone so indestructible. Tonight, I took an hour and a half, and I lay down with you. Colors flashed and I felt whole. You moved, and I felt whole. I moved, and felt complete. Sex played no part in this three-act melodrama, but instead hid itself away deep in the props and scenes, waiting to be stumbled upon by an intrigued child, mouth gaping at the hideously beautiful wardrobe spiraling across the stage—not a critic with his perceptions and ideals.

I’m leaving now. I want you to know that, while I am gone, I am not lost, and I will come back for you. Do not fear the routine; do not fear the generic, because in it, I work. When the time comes, I will return, without flourish, without fanfare, but with one single kiss. It will touch you so deeply, so passionately, that your soul will shift. You will draw back, look deep inside me, and smile a soft: “Hello.”